Friday, July 25th

I visited the clinic this morning for lab work and a bag of chemo.  Turns out I was neutropenic.  Afterround one of chemo they wouldn't release me till my ANC hit 500, which measures the strength of my immune system.  Today it fell sharply to 200, so there will be no going out to eat tonight.  This probably explains why I get so winded when I get up.  After just walking 25 feet from waiting room to chair for vital signs, my pulse raced to 143.  The nurse took my wrist to double check and we watched the pulse steadily settle at 100 bpm.  I have a busy week next week with tests (all day on Friday).  Still no word on exact transplant date- either first or second week of August.

I find myself in a really odd situation.  In about three weeks I will get a heavy dose of chemo that will kill all my bone marrow.  Then, I receive the transplant; a bag of donor stem cells from an IV.  This proverbial fork in the road means a lot.  Either it doesn't work and I live maybe a year and a half.  During this time I keep getting chemo until it doesn't work any more.  I get sick and die.  Or, the transplant works and I no longer need chemo.  My health and fitness recovers and I beat cancer, which looked like a real long shot two months ago; I have a new lease on life.  Interesting.  I certainly don't spend any time worrying about a bad outcome.  Faith helps.  However, neither am I able to think about what it would be like to work out hard again.  If it works, what will I, or should I do with the rest of my life.  Obviously I'm aware I have accomplished a lot: three 100-mile runs and a cross country bike ride warm my heart.  On the other hand I'm aware that my older brother, Don, spends all his time repairing houses for old low-income seniors.  My buddy Greg, is very active with a Christian outreach to inner city youths.  My claim that I road 15,000 miles last year rings a bit hollow.  Hopefully you're also thinking about your life decisions.  There is no right or wrong answer, but we only go around once.

I also need to be careful citing the 50-50% odds of success.  I can get too detached and sound like it's nothing more than a coin toss.  I'm faith based, but would never demand a cure from God.  Salvation and relationship are much more important.  That said exercising one's faith isn't meant to be a passive suggestion.  One must be willing to accept any outcome, but one must commit.  God is a good God.