I feel much better after a good night's sleep. My admission weight was 179; I logged in at 187 at 5:00 a.m. The increase due totally to getting so much fluids to wash the chemo from my kidneys. I've got another three-hour chemo bag running now, which will be followed by a unit of blood and more chemo. In my quest for long-term survival (longer than 1-1.5 years), I've successfully jumped two important hurdles. First, the chemo worked. I am full remission, with no sigh of leukemia. Second, they found hundreds of good donors and focused on two perfect looking matches. They are looking at final blood work and negotiating dates for the donor to come to St Paul in Dallas, probably Aug 5-15. Then, we do the bone marrow (stem cell) transplant and I face a final hurdle of getting the transplant to work. This can be very problematic. I may begin to know there is a problem one to two weeks after the transplant. But, at least there us still a path to a cure, so I remain optimistic.
I've mentioned several times that I'm a faith-based Christian. I'd like to explain what that means. I did an interesting Bible study 2 1/2 years ago after I was diagnosed with Follicular non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which was defined as a slow growing, but in curable cancer:
Our lives didn't turn out like we planned. Sherry was diagnosed with primary-progressive MS 15 years ago and has been in a power wheel chair for five years. She had to retire as a university professor last October, but works out 10 hours a week with her personal trainer, water aerobics, horse back riding, and physical therapy. I have lymphoma, which now transformed into acute leukemia. I also have 27 degrees of scoliosis in my back which causes consider pain when I walk or stand for extended of time. Our adopted son was a troubled youth who eventually spent some time in prison. We've had some headwinds, but came by them honestly. Believe me, these challenges do not make me happy. But being happy shouldn't be one's goal. 'Happy' is an illusion created by circumstances. We win; we're happy. The stock market goes up; we're happy. We put ourselves in a vulnerable
position when a litany of things must go right before we're we're satisfied. Take a look at
the Exodus Bible story. Because the children of Israel toiled for 430 years as slaves, they lost their institutional memory of who God was and who they were. Then, Moses showed up unannounced and called down 10 plagues. When God was through with the Egyptians, they gave the Israelites gold and silver and begged them to leave. The Israelites followed a pillar of fire, watched God part the Red Sea and ate manna from heaven. They encountered 'unexpected positive events', the text book definition for 'happy'. However, in the end they grumbled against God and worshipped an idol. What went wrong? I always felt history treated the Israelites unfairly. God performed fantastic miracles on their behalf and the grumbled. The Exodus story is true, I just don't think it's accurate. What's lost from their story is how their circumstances changed. To get an idea what it must have been like to march across a desert, look at the experience of the a Donner Party. In the summer of 1846 they were part of a mass migration across the western United States that crossed the Wasatch Desert in Utah. Their diaries tell the story:
On the third day the water ran out. That night, crazed with thirst, the Reed's oxen bolted into the desert and could not be found. The family took what belongings they could carry and started out. Papa carried Thomas and the rest of us walked. We got to the Donner's wagon and laid down on the ground. We spread a shawl down and another over us and put the dogs on top. The wind blew very hard and if it had not been for the dogs we would have frozen. The next day the shattered emigrants stumbled out of the salt desert. It had been a disaster. It had taken five days to cross the 80-mile desert. Thirty-six oxen died. Anguish and dismay filled all their hearts. Husbands bowed their heads, appalled at the situation of their families. Some cursed Hastings for the misrepresentation of the distance. Others in tearless agony clasped their children to their bosoms. --The Donner Party, American Experience WBGG/PBS.
The Israelites who followed Moses must have been just as broken. That's a far cry from Exodus 14:8 that described them marching 'boldly' into the desert. They didn't hit the wall because of poor pacing or lack of heat training. They lost their happiness, their faith, because it depended on
circumstances. Did you see the 2003 movie The Recruit? It was a film about a CIA training academy that stared Colin Farrell and Al Pacino. In one scene, Colin Farrell was supposedly captured by the Russians, denied sleep, food, beaten and eventually gave up some information. He failed out of the program and was in despair, until his instructor, Al Pacino, explained the situation to him. "Everybody breaks! That's the point of the exercise. The darn thing doesn't stop until you do!" I think the children of Israel faced the same kind of test. If they had been stronger and braver, they simply would have made it further into the desert before they crashed.
Sometimes we think God will protect us because we're Christians. If we just trust God, we'll somehow live under an umbrella of Holy protection. You've heard the joke, don't speed because the angels blow off at 56 miles an hour. Look at Exodus 14:1. After the Israelites left Egypt, God told
Moses to turn them around and camp by the Red Sea. Tactically, this was a terrible idea that trapped them between the shore and Pharaoh's army. But God didn't make a mistake and He didn't do random. And, he didn't create the crisis to save them; He put them in harm's way so they could learn something. In Exodus 14:14, Moses said, "The lord will fight for you; you need only be still." God was telling them that they had absolutely no responsibilities what so ever; just watch and learn. When God destroyed the Egyptians, it was the first step in showing them their identity. At the time, they didn't understand their journey to the Promised Land would cross both a desert and a learning curve.
In chapter 15, Moses led them across the sand for three days to a pool of bitter water. After God purified the water, He began to teach them in verse 26: "If you listen carefully to the voice of The Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his comments and decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am The Lord who heals
you." God was putting them on notice. He performed a second miracle, but he was going to expect more from them in the future.
Chapter 16 finds the Israelites deeper in the desert and starving. God provided quail at night and
manna in the morning, but gave them two simple rules to follow: don't hoard the manna or look for it on the Sabbath. These rules sound more like placebos than laws. There was no benefit from breaking them, such as lying to get out of trouble. Certainly they would have learned quickly enough that the manna spoiled over night and that it would not be available on the Sabbath. The purpose of the rules was to give the people the opportunity to obey God and please him. Each time God did a miracle, He expected more from the people.
In chapter 17, the children of Israel were so dehydrated they were about to stone Moses in full revolt. God told Moses to walk ahead of the people to a rock and promised to stand there with him. WhenMoses struck the rock with his staff, water flowed for the people to drink. The lesson learned was that God was still among them. When we really know how God feels about us and the price he paid to have us near him, we will have joy, no matter what life brings.
We're no better or worse than the Isralites. We spend too much time thinking we would be happy if God just performed some miracles for us. God did dozens of miracles for the Israelites and they fell down before golden calf. We have it backwards. God doesn't want us to be happy; he wants us to be joyful. Ranan is a commonly used Hebrew word for joy and it means 'to overcome'. To find joy we don't need more of God's attention, He needs more of ours. Joy is the result of gratitude and is directly proportional to the grace one is received or at least to the perception of grace. We should never get over being saved. Think of it this way: joy comes from LSD, long slow distance with God. It is what you get when you understand the relationship. Knowing who God is isn't enough; you must also understand who you are. Otherwise, it's nothing but junk miles that slow you down. And
like endurance, joy lasts a long time. Miracles are great, but they're not free; they always come with more responsibility.
So how do Sherry and I handle our problems? Sherry deals with her disability the best she can, but
doesn't let it define her. After 15 years with primary progressive MS, she still has a temporary
handicap hangtag in her van. My experience running ultra-marathons and riding my bike across the US provides a well to draw from. When one goes long, the body just breaks down it's a constant battle eat enough calories and manage fatigue. That's why an ultra-runner is allowed to have a pacer when things get tough. The way I see it, cancer is just another ultra and I plan to go as far as I can until I meet up with my Pacer (a religious reference in case I was being to subtle). God's a good God. He's just as heartbroken over Sherry's MS as we are. God didn't cause my cancer. If he did, I should just accept it and do nothing to get better. I'm in remission now, but the bone marrow transplant may not work. I'll need joy, and the way to find it, and to keep it, is to remember that God is standing beside me by the rock.
I'd like to leave you with a final verse: Exodus 4:21, "See to it that you perform all the wonders that I have given you the power to do."
Doug I am always encouraged by your posts.
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