This is awkward. Typically, I'm very controlled with my emotions. I keep things bottled up and ordered. Now I got this bad cancer news and people who care about me obviously want to wish me well and see how I'm doing. Trouble is, I've felt pretty poorly sometimes and it's just so much work to answer individual emails with much clarity or openess. So, the blog seemed like a perfect tool, except I now feel like I'm giving way too much away personal information. It's uncomfortable, but probably efficient.
Today was very good. Tonight turned out ridiculously stupid. I'm sure I just had a bad reaction to chemo and the blood transfusions, which cause me headaches. Obviously, I have a good excuse to feel angry every now and then, but I got super frustrated trying to post the previous blog. I hate technology, especially after chemo. I pestered my poor wife, who is battling an upper respiratory infection as well as MS and a sick husband with endless angry phone calls about how to get the dang 'paste' button to work. I eventually just emailed my notes to her and she posted it. I battled a balky electric razor for 30 minutes (they won't let risk nicking myself with a blade). I ordered dinner and was able to eat half of it before the smell about made me I'll. I ended up with a temper tantrum more suitable to a 5-year. I've tried to be a model patient this week...stiff upper lip, build up good will, cheerful, etc, but I'm ashamed of how badly I behaved this evening.
There is one ray of hope in my room. At home, I've been known to take frustrations out on plastic kitchen trash cans. They're cheap and it's therapeutic to kick the crap out of them, with little risk of personal injury. Well, there's a trash can in my room that that has already been kicked by a previous resident, who must have had a bad night also.
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